Can Marriage Counseling Break the Death Grip (& Restore Health)? Couples Blame Game

Couples think they deserve to be happy with and around each other. If the bliss turns sour and one person feels bad in the relationship, they often act like their partner is to blame for their hurt. This thinking can put couples at war with each other and kill their relationship.

One partner in the marriage demands the other person to make things better. But the other person justifies their behavior with things the other person said or did, did not say or did not do. Each person now blames the other person for what they did and each believes they’re the innocent victim of the other person’s behavior.

This could be a very important part of this issue. What does a counselor do with a couple stuck in such a strangle hold, each insisting they’re not responsible for their own behavior? “Sure I had that one night stand with the neighbor. But you never make love with me. What do you expect a guy to do?” he says. She says, “Yes but you never want to talk to me, court or romance me. You treat me like an object, then roll over and go to sleep. I am tired of it and I will not make love to you like that any more! You spend more time with your computer games than you do me.”

“Well, you, you, you.” “But you, you, you.” On and on it goes until the couples is exhausted emotionally and pretty beat up. That is when they call me for a counseling appointment.

Here’s what I do as a couples counselor. I remind the couple of the basic facts of how healthy relationships and marriages work:

No one causes another person’s feelings to hurt. If my partner says or does something that upsets me, I’m the one who saw or heard that and upset my self with that behavior or words. Each person can chose to have hurt feelings or not. Couples who have spent 3 months or more together deserve each other. They each play a part in the trouble and each is responsible for their own actions. One person can’t change the other person. You can ask the other one to do or say things differently, but if they refuse to comply, give it up. Do what you can do to make things better for yourself. Win/lose emotional tug-a wars where one person of the couples tries to convince the other one they’re right and the other one is wrong always results in lose/lose. The Couple Blame Game turns each person into a helpless participant in the relationship. The person doing the blaming in effect is saying “You have more powerful over my feelings and actions than I do.”

Instead of 2 equals having relationship, you get something like a parent and a child where the child expects the parent to take care of them and make sure their feelings do not get hurt.

Worst case, it is 2 kids trying to do what only adults can do: have a mature and healthy relationship.

From there we work the process of counseling. Sometimes before things can move on, each person needs to apologize and say, “I am sorry.” I encourage each person to focus on and manage their own self and feelings in the relationship. I remind them that blaming each other creates more wounding. Rather than being each others problem, they can be participants on the same problem solving team and work together to make things better for both of them. That is Win/Win. Call me if you’d like my help to stop the blaming: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. 913-901-9110.