Should We Go to Counseling? My Spouse Cheated

The devastation brought upon your marriage by a cheating spouse is hard to figure out. The initial hurt and feeling of betrayal are seemingly insurmountable. The images in your head, broken promises and lies seem to consume every moment of you life. Is your marriage over? How do we begin to rebuild? Everyone is telling me we should go to counseling.

Should I go to counseling with my spouse?

In my case we did not go to counseling. Now do not get me wrong the thought did cross my mind a time or two, but as I researched it just did not seem like the best option. Lets look at a few factors before we dive into employing a counselor.

1) Is Your Cheating Spouse Willing and Able to Work on the Marriage? You cannot make that decision for them, and dragging an unwilling participant to a counseling session is asking for more trouble. You’ll be just wasting your time and money. In my case, she was willing to work on things, so we cleared the first hurdle. Answer these questions before going any further:

Why don’t we proceed with this post. -Has your spouse 100% ended the affair? -Is your spouse remorseful for the pain he/she has caused? -Has your spouse communicated a desire to repair the marriage? -Is your spouse open to couples counseling? -Have your spouse’s actions matched his or her words?

2) Research When I was looking for a counselor I found it rather hard to find one specializing in post-affair trauma. In fact, I did not find any in my area. The ones I did find were more general marriage counselors, they said they could help but I wasn’t sold. Also, I found it odd that all of them wanted me to fill out an entire books worth of paper work for their file. Seriously? I’m supposed to build my own file and still pay you 100-150 an hour each time we meet. I understand writing about the problems is cathartic in a way, but I am flipping the bill, why do not you write. I am sure there are reputable counselors out there with a great track records helping couples with post-affair issues, just none in my area at the time. Answer these question when doing the research:

-Does the counselor specialize in post-affair trauma? -What’s their track record of success? -Have they personally been through an affair? -Why did they choose to be a counselor? -Are they simply going to be a mediator between your spouse and you or do they offer a roadmap to success?

3) Are you’lling to Go Through the Effort To Save Your Marriage? It may seem that your cheating spouse holds all the cards in the relationship. The pain inflicted by them can’t be underestimated. The images in your mind, mistrust and betrayal was thrust upon you like a rolling thunderstorm. You just want it fixed! Fix it! Fix it now! I understand exactly what you’re going through. The overwhelming feeling that you just want to go back to “normal” is hard t resist. I suggest you take pause and look inside yourself and decide if you really want to go through the fire. Answer these questions, you may not be able to answer some-or even all-of these questions right now, and that is okay:

-Do you still love your spouse? -Are you’lling to work on the marriage? -Are you going to be able to forgive? -What do you think it should look like after recovery? -Why do you want to work on the marriage?

Deciding to seek a counselor needs to be a team effort. Picking the right one for your relationship is paramount. When its all said and done, there might be none in your area or in your price range. That is ok, my wife and I did not use one and we turned out great. We read just about everything out there on the subject, we researched together, we worked as a team, we got on a roadmap to success. After all that’s the most important element. Are you and your spouse willing to go through the hard work in rebuilding your marriage? If yes, counselor or no counselor you’re halfway there.

About the Author

Geoffrey Marsh is just a regular guy who was the victim of a horrible affair. He and his family made it through to the other side intact and stronger than ever. He wishes to share his knowledge in the hopes of helping those suffering the blows of an affair. He survived an affair and so can you!

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Questions? Email me here: gm@weddedandwinning.com